Falllout
by halfasleep42
Summary: Note: Rating change to M. The fallout of Abyss...because that's never been done before.
1. Chapter 1

Please R&R. Let me know if I should continue...

His truck is nowhere in sight and there are no signs of life coming from my house when I finally roll my Indian into my driveway at 2200. The hairs on the back of my neck tell a different story. I realize I can feel the tell tale signs of naquadah near by, a tingling deep in my gut that I've learned from experience to pay attention to. Awesome, because I wasn't already overtly aware of his presence.

It's not like I wasn't expecting him to be here. It's been a week and a half since we got the colonel back, and I still haven't found the guts to see him alone. I've been by the infirmary all of twice with Teal'c and Jonas in tow and pretty much just stayed out of the way until I could escape again. I knew as soon as I heard he'd been released that this confrontation was inevitable. You don't get away with manipulating Jack O'Neill without some kind of fallout, and mine was the worst possible kind of manipulation, with the worst possible outcome. Using his emotions against him is something I will certainly never forgive myself for, even if I would do it all over again. And that's the crux of the matter isn't it? That I'm selfish enough to need him with me, even if he's broken beyond repair.

I only know what I read in his report, but it was plenty. Knowing the Colonel as well as I do, it was a fraction of what really happened. And to make matters worse, not only did I use his feelings for me against him, but then kanan went and did the same thing all over again. Yes, there's no question I deserve whatever is coming to me. It strikes me as I'm walking up the path to my front door, that making him wait was probably not the smartest thing I could have done. But then, there's a part of me that desperately wants him to lash out at me, to relieve some of the guilt that's been suffocating me since he first agreed to take a symbiote.

I have to use both hands to get my key into the lock because my hands are shaking too much. I take a couple seconds to compose myself and take a deep breath before stepping in and closing the door behind me. It's dark, but I'm in no hurry for him to see me, in fact this might be easier in the dark. I lean my back against the door and wait.

I feel his eyes on me long before I make out his face in the moonlight coming in through my living room window. His eyes are black and glinting dangerously when I finally have the nerve to look at them. He leans back against the wall of my entry way. To an untrained observer he would appear almost nonchalant, unaffected. I however can feel the tension coming off him in waves.

"You're not going to run and hide major?" The sharp edge of his voice makes me jump slightly. Exactly the response he was hoping for.

"No, I'm done running." My voice trembles a little on the way out, as if I weren't a Major in the US air force.

"Forget something major?"he steps into my space, seeming to tower over me in a way I don't ever remember noticing before.

"Sorry Sir."I try my best to sound contrite. I have no idea where this is going, and it takes me a minute to figure out why he's pushing the rank thing here, now, in the dark, in my house in a completely unprofessional situation. It has nothing to do with position or rank, and has everything to do with regaining control. Control I took from him when I all but begged him to give into his worst nightmare because he loved me.

He steps further into my space, the smell of gun oil and leather encompassing me. He reaches out a hand towards me and I flinch before I can check myself. He lets out a bark of laughter that stabs through my chest like a physical pain. "Do you think I would hurt you major? Is that why you've been avoiding me, because you thought I would physically assault you?"

"No Sir. I trust you sir." I try to keep my answer simple in the hopes of not upsetting him further.

"Yes well, maybe you should be afraid of me major. Being tortured to death so many times I lost count may have made me a little unpredictable. Or maybe you think you can just look at me with those baby blues and beg and I'll capitulate to anything you want? Is that it?"

His voice is lower than I've ever heard it and he's moved to press me into the door, his hot breath in my ear. I can't help the tears that threaten at his words, or the hitch in my breathing as he grabs my chin roughly and forces me to meet his eyes.

"No sir." My voice is barely a breath between us.

"What was that Major? I couldn't quite hear you." He barks this directly into my face, his tone somewhat reminiscent of basic training.

I force my spine straight and look him in the eye. "No Sir. You're in charge here, Sir."

"Well isn't that magnanimous of you major? Do you always give control so freely, or is it because you feel guilty?" His hands slam onto the wood either side of my face, causing my head to bounce a little off the unforgiving surface. He lets out a growl and wrenches himself away from me.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I move toward him and he swings around, his hands coming up to stop me coming any closer.

"You know I wake up in the middle of the night expecting there to be holes from acid burns. Gaping wounds from throwing knives. You ever been lashed to death only to wake up and do it all again? But there's nothing. No scars to show for any of it. How do I reconcile that? And what is it about me that encourages people to manipulate me and leave me?" His fist slams into the dividing wall between the hallway and living room, cracking the plaster and splitting at least one of his knuckles.

I've never known him to lose control before, and I'm disgusted with myself for being the cause. Or at least for causing it in this manner. Lord knows I wouldn't mind him losing control in a completely different setting. Fat chance of that happening. I'll consider myself extremely lucky if he's still speaking to me when we're done here.

"Fuck...I shouldn't be here." He moves to get past me but I step into his path, letting out a sob as he growls in frustration.

"You're playing with fire Carter. I'm not safe to be around right now." He tries again to get past me, but I plaster my body against the door so he has to physically move me if he wants out. Either very brave or very stupid, I'm not sure I even care which.

"Get out of my fucking way." He slams his palms flat against the door again either side of my head, causing me to gasp in alarm, but there is not a thing in this galaxy or any other that could make me let him leave here. Not in the head space he's in.

"No." It comes out as more of a sob than an actual word.

He grabs my face in his injured hand, blood smearing on my skin, forcing eye contact. "You still making decisions for me major?" His voice is like sandpaper, and sends a frisson of tension down my spine .

"Please don't go. I'll do anything, Sir. Whatever you need, just tell me. Just please don't leave. I'm so sorry." The needy pathetic timbre of my voice makes me cringe inside but I just cannot let him leave.

"I need the goddamned truth. I need to know why you wouldn't let me die like I was supposed to. I need you to tell me my capitulation was worth something to you." He backs out of my space when his hands start trembling, turning his back on me. Without his weight holding me up I deflate and slide to the ground against the door.

"Because you are everything. Because I'm too weak to go on without you. Because as long as there's a way to keep you with me I will do it, because I can't make myself do anything else. I'm too selfish to let you go, even though I've never had you to begin with." I have never felt so bare in my entire life. I've never been so emotionally honest with anyone.

He slides to the floor beside me, letting his head fall into his hands. "You are all I thought about. You're the only reason there's anything left of me. Even when I hated you, for using my emotions against me. Hated you for leaving me to the Tok'ra. Daniel was there. He was there and I BEGGED him to end it."

I'm moving before I even realize it. The thought of him wanting to die so badly causing panic to swell inside me. Without any conscious decision I'm straddling his thighs and tucking his head under my chin and holding on for dear life.

"NO, no. Please stay. Please don't leave me." Tears are streaming down my face and into his hair and I'm barely managing to stop the anxiety from overwhelming me. "I need you. I'm so sorry for everything. I would trade places with you if I could. I wish it had been me. I wish it was me."

At first he's tense as a board, but my words seem to gradually take all the strength out of him and then his palms are sliding around me. One between my shoulder blades, the other the small of my back.

"Ok, it's ok. I made it back. If I was still that far gone, I could have easily ended it before now. I'm so tired Sam." He sounds completely deflated now, the fight gone completely out of him.

I sit for a few more minutes wrapped around him. His presence anchoring me in a way that is different and yet so very familiar. He is a part of me that I no longer want to live without. "C'mon. Lets get you cleaned up."

He gets up wearily, letting me lead him down the hallway like a child. The bathroom light it way too bright for our over sensitized pupils and it takes me a couple of seconds to adjust. I rinse his cuts with soap and water before I sit him down on the toilet lid and dig some antibiotic cream and gauze out from one of my drawers. Looking at him in the harsh light of the bathroom I can tell it's been a long time since he slept anywhere near decently.

"Will you stay?"

"I don't know if that's a good idea Carter. Nevermind the obvious issues, I don't want to hurt you if I do manage to fall asleep." He won't meet my eyes again.

"I don't care about the other issues. I haven't for some time. And I know the signs. I've always been able to tell when you're nightmares start in the field, I can't see it being any different here. Please?"

"God Carter. You're supposed to be the voice of reason. I don't have the will to say no to you, I never have. And as for rules and regulations, I've broken them for less." He squeezes my hand when I've finished with the bandaging. I squeeze back and turn to wash the blood off my hands. He comes up behind me and reaches an arm around me to grab a facecloth. He meets my eyes in the mirror and I see the blood smeared across my cheek and on my chin where he grabbed me earlier. He wets the face cloth and gently dabs at the blood.

"We can talk more in the morning. For now there are a lot of sleepless nights between us and we both look like hell." I lead him out of the bathroom and down the hall to my bedroom. I don't bother to turn on the lights, and stop at the edge of the bed. I strip down to my shirt and panties and climb in flipping the blanket open for him. He looks uncertain for a moment and then seems to come to a decision. He strips down to his boxers, but leaves his shirt on. He climbs in and slides right into my personal space. He pulls me towards him so he's spooned up against my back. I settle back against him and clasp his hand to my stomach, falling asleep to his even breathing behind me.

TBC?


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks everyone for the awesome reviews. Will try to get another chapter out in the next couple of days. As always reviews are much appreciated. Onward...

It can't have been more than a couple of hours when I come awake suddenly. He hasn't actually moved yet, but sharing a tent with someone for the better part of six years teaches you a few things about them. It's the slight tensing of every muscle in his body and the minuscule change in the cadence of his breathing that wakes me up. Something so insignificant, but when dealing with a black ops trained colonel in the United States air force, it's best one learns the signs of impending violence for their own safety.

I know from past (my own and the colonels)experience, the dangers of waking someone in the midst of a nightmare, so I slip out of the bed as quietly and smoothly as possible. He's never been one to yell out in his sleep, so I'm a little startled to hear my first name roll out followed by a whispered 'help' as he begins thrashing wildly against the sheets. They are only two words, but they are enough to make bile crawl up the back of my throat. The thought of this man begging for anything nearly has me running to the bathroom to lose my non-existent dinner.

"Jack. I'm here." I try. Sometimes talking to him helps. I move a little closer and try again. "Colonel. Can you hear me? You're safe."

Too late I realize how close I've gotten to the bed. His eyes pop open and before I even know what's happening I'm pinned to the bed with him straddling me, both hands pinned to my sides beneath his knees.

"You're not real." He all but growls in my face, his eyes obsidian in the dim lighting of my room.

"It's me Jack." I realize my miscalculation too late as well.

"Really? If you were you, you would call me _Sir._ First Daniel and now you. You here to save my soul as well?" His fingers are digging deeply into my shoulder blades, and I curse my fair skin, for there will surely be bruises later. He is like a wild animal, breathing heavy and ready for a fight.

"No Sir. Look at me. I'm real. You escaped. Daniel never lied to you, did he? Why would I?" I manage to pry one of my hands free, moving it up to his face. "See? I'm here...I'm real. Please..."

My touch seems to have done what my words could not, because before I know it he's off me and across the room as fast as he was on me a few moments ago. I flick on my bedside light and catch the look of guilt on his face before he manages to school his features again. I'm in front of him the second he goes to reach for his pants.

"No. Jack, stay."

"I can't hurt you Carter. I need you not to hate me and if that means leaving so I don't put you in danger then so be it."

"No. I don't want you to go. And I can handle myself just fine. I know it's a lot, given the situation but...do you still trust me?" A large part of me wants to turn away while he considers this, because I can't stand the thought of him saying I've lost his trust. Another, stronger part of me insists I face the music no matter what his response is.

"Yes, dammit. I really wish I didn't sometimes, but yes." He palms his face wearily and looks at me sideways.

"Good. Then trust that I can take care of myself. Please stay."He considers me for a moment, presumably looking for something in my face to reassure him.. I tug on his hand until he relents with a groan.

"Fine. But you're explaining any injuries to Janet. I want no part of THAT conversation." He gives me an attempt at a grin as he slips back into bed. His face is too gray and his eyes too hollow to really pull it off, but the attempt itself seems like progress.

I turn the light back off and reach across the bed taking hold of his hand. He squeezes my hand gently, but he seems afraid to move close to me again. He's about as close to the edge of the bed as he can get without falling off. I'm assuming he thinks if he stays further away he's less likely to injure me if he has more nightmares. I'm just glad he's still here.

I don't know if he falls asleep again, I'm pretty sure he's still staring at the ceiling in the dark when I finally give into the pull of much needed sleep. I just know that when I open my eyes again at 0430, he's gone and his side of the bed is cold to the touch. I can't help the pit of worry that appears in my stomach at the thought of him alone right now. Especially knowing how close he was to giving up in a way I had hoped he would never have to face again.

Although I didn't know him before the suicide mission to Abydos, I had heard plenty of rumors when I first came to stargate command, and the bits and pieces Daniel was willing to share with me. I know that he never expected to come back. The thought of him reaching the point of suicide again terrifies me in a way I don't even know how to deal with. I'm about ready to rush out the door after him when I see a torn corner of paper tucked under my keys.

 _See you at the mountain_

 _-J_

I really hope he intends to talk about our situation soon, because if he's not, I will. I don't think I can let it go this time. It appears for the moment though, that we'll be returning to business as usual. I vow to give him some time to recover before I start asking the hard questions.

I don't need to be at the mountain until 0900 so I figure I might as well try and run off some of this nervous energy. I end up running until the lactic acid is nearly causing my calves to seize and my lungs are on fire. The whole time playing over and over the many scenarios I've imagined of Ba'als torture. Jack bleeding out cursing me for making him suffer. Him begging to die. Lashes cutting into his back. Acid causing him to call out in pain as it burns into his bones. When I finally do return to my house I stand uselessly in the middle of my living room, rage nearly boiling my blood.

Before I make any conscious decision to move the lamp is flying from my grasp to crash against a wall. It just escalates from there. Some minutes later when the fight has finally gone out of me, I collapse onto the ground, heaving against the sobs trying to escape. My hands are a bloody mess, and my living room is completely trashed. I concentrate on breathing. In. Out. In. Out.

I don't know how long I sit there for but I don't have time to deal with the mess by the time I get myself together enough to shower and clean my wounds. I'm due at the mountain in less than an hour so I manage to dress slowly, cringing at the pain in my muscles. I manage to choke down a piece of toast on my way out the door. It'll have to do though, because the thought of adding anything else nearly causes the toast to come back up.

Hopefully the emotional release will be enough to get me through the day without drawing too much attention. I feel a little more able to pull down the military facade to hide behind. Not that it'll fool Teal'c of the Colonel any, but at least Jonas won't ask too many questions. By the time I check in at the gates, the casual observer wouldn't notice anything amiss. Even the bandages on my hands are so common of SG team members that no one is likely to notice. As long as I don't run into Janet, I should be free and clear.


	3. Chapter 3

The next two days pass with very little interaction between Jack and myself. This is quite a feat given our entire team is jammed into a visitors suite while the base is under quarantine. We all managed to escape the infection that SG3 brought back through the gate, so at least we're not miserable and itchy AND stuck in such cramped quarters. We've been as friendly and professional as the situation has allowed, but there's only so long one can lock Colonel Jack O'Neill in a room without dire consequences.

I'm pretty sure neither of us has slept for fear of nightmares, so the exhaustion is just exacerbating the situation. While Teal'c and I know well the signs that he's about to explode, Jonas seems completely oblivious. If we don't get released soon I fear the alien may truly experience the Colonels temper.

I've caught him looking at my knuckles speculatively, but we've barely had a moment alone in the last two days, so he hasn't had an opportunity to grill me about it. I'm sure his suspicions are pretty close to the mark, if not dead on. I'm sure we'll get to it when we get to everything else left unsaid between us, which at the speed we seem to progress might be in another six years or so.

Jonas is currently rambling about the culture on the planet SG3 brought the infection back from and possible reasons why the general population doesn't seem overly affected by it. The Colonel's hands are clenching and unclenching convulsively, and I'm pretty sure if I listened hard enough I would hear his teeth grinding together. I decide I had better intervene before violence ensues.

"JONAS..."I just manage to bark out when the phone in our temporary prison rings and the Colonel is there in a flash, desperate for this to be over and done.

"Yeah?" He listens for a moment, and then his countenance changes and he relaxes slightly, blowing out a breath between his teeth before continuing. "Yes, Sir. Will do. Call if you think there's anything else we can do."

He sets the receiver back down and turns to open the door. On the ground outside is a small zippered bag, almost like a first aid kit. The colonel opens it on the table in the center of the room and passes out the syringes to myself and Jonas.

"Doc says these should work as a vaccine, and then Hammond said Carter and I are free to go. Apparently most of the lower levels have been treated, and Doc's hopeful they'll recover quickly. We're all free to go, we just need to go through decontamination before leaving the mountain"

He uncaps the syringe while he's talking and jams it into his left shoulder unceremoniously and I follow suit. For someone who claims to hate needles so much, he certainly has no issue jabbing himself. I'll have to remember to ask him about it later. Jonas is hesitant so I do the shot for him. He winces in pain but nods at me in thanks.

Before I can even respond the colonel is out the door and gone. Jonas looks relieved if a little concerned about his hasty departure.

"Did I do something to offend Colonel O'Neill?"

"He just doesn't deal with confinement well, and frankly you make yourself an easy target sometimes. You need to learn when to stop talking." I say this with a smile. As much as his incessant chatter has grated on my last nerve as well, I don't actually want to upset him. He can hardly be faulted for not being jaded. In fact I hope that aspect of his personality never changes.

The three of us remaining go our separate ways, desperate to be alone. I imagine the alien half of our team is off to hide in their quarters. I'd offer to take them home with me if the thought of spending another moment under Teal'c's intense but silent scrutiny didn't make my skin crawl. Jonas will no doubt find something to entertain himself with little trouble, but I know Teal'c tends to get a little antsy when he can't go off world for a while. I'm sure he'll be spending some quality time in the gym.

I'm almost to the elevators when the clacking of heels up ahead makes me cringe to myself. "Major Carter. A word please?" Janet is standing next to an open doorway, one arm gesturing me into an empty supply closet. Her eyebrow is raised and her expression is icy, and I just know I'm going to _love_ where this is going.

"What can I do for you Janet? I was just heading out, I assumed you would still have your hands full." I step in and she closes the door behind us.

"Oh, I have my hands full alright. Should I start with the results from your last physical, or the bandages on your hands?" She moves so that her body is blocking the door. I hadn't really been consciously avoiding her, but I haven't exactly sought her out since the colonel went through the stargate to the Tok'ra. My hands immediately go behind my back, as if she will suddenly forget about them.

"I'm fine Janet."

"Really. Would you like to tell the General that when I have to pull you from the active duty roster because you are underweight AGAIN? And you are B12 deficient and anemic?" Her voice has raised a few octaves, and I'm actually not sure I've even seen her this pissed...well not at me anyway. She steps close to me, getting as far into my space as she can without actually touching me.

"Or maybe you would like to explain why _every_ time Colonel O'Neill is missing or lost you stop eating and stop sleeping, and apparently end up with mysterious injuries?" She's whispering at this point. As much as I'm absolutely positive there is no surveillance in here, she wouldn't risk anyone hearing her. Talking about this is in general could put her career in jeopardy. Talking about it on base is something we have always avoided. I guess she finally decided if I was going to keep avoiding her, she'd best confront me anywhere she could.

"Janet. Not here dammit." I try to move past her but she pushes me back. I forget how strong she is sometimes.

"Then where Sam? You don't answer my calls, and you barely leave the damn base. It's not about friendship anymore. It's affecting your job, and isn't the whole point of you ignoring the whole situation because you don't want it to affect the job? Maybe it's time for you to re-evaluate your priorities." She steps back out of my space, shaking her head in frustration.

"I know. I am. WE are. I'm trying Janet." I don't know how to talk about this with her. She's never been very clear on where she stands on the whole issue, so I have no idea if she'll even support my decision to do something so completely irrational.

"Yeah, well something had better change. And you had better hope you don't get called back to active duty early, because you're going to need every moment of the next two weeks to get your weight and vitamin levels back into the normal range. Pick up some more of the supplements I recommended last time on your way home. The gainer and the Iron." She reaches into the pocket of her lab coat and produces another syringe.

I look at her questioningly as she pulls up the sleeve of my tshirt. "B12 shot. You'll have trouble getting you Iron back up without it. "

I nod in consent and she jabs me none too gently. She recaps the syringe and puts it back in her pocket. She turns to leave but pauses with her hand on the doorknob. "I'll support you, you know. Whatever you decide. I know I've never really said anything. And while I don't support the concept as a general rule. I certainly don't support the situation you've both been put in either. You know he tried to resign once? They won't let him leave" And with that she's gone and I'm left staring after her like an idiot, my mouth hanging open.

I take a few minutes to get my bearings before plastering the happy Major Carter smile back on my face. Not that it's likely fooling anyone I actually give a crap about, but I don't need any more diversions on my way out of this damn place.

I head to the surface as quickly as possible, while not looking like I'm rushing. I don't stop to grab a change of clothes, because if I have to go through decontamination I'll end up in a pair of either scrubs of BDU's depending on what they've got in my size. I've been through this enough that I can't even be bothered to care about the clothes on my back.


	4. Chapter 4

I stop at the pharmacy on the way home and pick up the nasty powdered substance that Janet insists is necessary to gain weight, and the iron tablets. I personally think she's just trying to punish me. The cashier looks at me a little sideways, I don't imagine there are a lot of women out there buying weight gainers. She looks like she's about to say something about it, but then she spies my dog-tags and silently bags my purchases. I pick up some takeout chinese from the little hole in the wall a couple blocks from my house. It's dark and dingy, but their food is amazing and the little oriental man who runs the place always call me 'miss Samantha'.

I manage to completely forget about the state of my living room until I walk back into my house. I've had two solid days to do nothing but think, and a whole lot to think about. Somehow my ruined living room never factored in. I stare at it blankly for a minute or two and decide I just can't muster the energy to care. We're on downtime for the next two weeks while the remaining infected SGC personnel are treated and left to recover, and however long it takes for the Colonel to talk his way back into the field. The infection may have actually been a blessing, because if I was relying solely on the Colonel being cleared, there's no way I'd have enough time to get my shit together. Plenty of time to deal with this tomorrow.

I grab a fork and a beer and walk straight through my house and out onto my back deck. The gross protein shake can wait until morning. It's a little cold for sitting out, but I could use the fresh air and sunshine. I've spent far too much time over the last month cooped up in the mountain. Even for me. It's only about 2100 when I finish my food, but it's getting dark and cold and I haven't slept in days. I take a shower in the hopes that it will help me relax, because despite not having slept at all in over 40 hours, and poorly for a good month before that I am still tense and anxious. Part of me wonders if I'll ever sleep well again.

The water is so hot it scalds my skin, but the steam filling my lungs does seem to be calming, and my muscles still burn from my run two days ago and the fit of rage that followed it. I lose track of time standing there trying to clear my head of doubts and the lingering guilt that will likely haunt me for the foreseeable future. How do you feel guilty for not feeling guilty? I know Jack is still angry, and he has every right to be. I wonder how long it will take before we come to heads again. We're both much too emotionally stunted to deal with this situation appropriately. I don't even know where to start, because I'm _not_ sorry. I would repeat everything if it meant he still came home to me.

The temperature has gone from scalding to tepid by the time I finally get out. I slip on an old undershirt and crawl into bed. The colonels aftershave lingers on the pillow, and I find myself wondering if he's been able to sleep at all. If I'm having trouble, he certainly can't be doing any better. Then again he's always been better at shutting his thoughts down then I have, so I can always hope he's faring a little better than he was. It must be over an hour later when my mind shuts down enough for me to fall into a restless sleep.

I wake in the night to an arm slipping around my waist. I should be very worried that I didn't hear anyone enter my home, I am a soldier for crying out loud, I should be more aware of my surroundings. I choose to blame it on sleep deprivation. There's also the fact that I would know the smell that surrounds me anywhere. Like sandalwood and musk, the combined scent of aftershave and what I can only describe as _Jack_.

"It's ok Carter. Go back to sleep." He's warm and solid and comforting against my back and I'm so exhausted that I can't be bothered to argue. I thread my fingers through his, where his hand has come to rest against my abdomen and drift back to sleep. Maybe now I can stop worrying for a while and we can both get some much deserved rest.

The peace doesn't last very long. Within an hour of falling asleep I'm awoken by the tensing of his whole body. If I didn't know better I might think he was about to seize, but I've seen this enough times over the years to know that it's how he deals with torture...tightening every muscle in his body so as not to cry out in pain. I know this because I've done it myself. We are both prideful people, maybe one our greatest faults, but we're both military and it's been ingrained deeply in both of us to keep quiet. By the time I turn over to look at him his fists are clenched against the sheets and I can hear his teeth gnashing together.

Hoping last nights tactic will work again I place my hand on his sternum, trying to silently tell him I'm here, that's he's safe. No such luck this time. I have just enough time to cover my head as I go flying off the bed, so my already bruised and battered knuckles bear the impact of the night stand, instead of giving me one hell of a concussion. I don't know if it's the sound of my impact or if his nightmare reached it's crescendo, but within half a second he's standing on the opposite side of the bed fully awake, fists raised in front of him.

I can see the second he registers what's happening, and I know exactly what his response is going to be. "No, Jack. It's okay."

"The fuck it's okay Carter. I shouldn't have come here." He's already pulling on his jacket and shoes.

"NO dammit. I touched you, it's my own damn fault. I know better." I move in front of the door before he's even got his other shoe on. He's shaking and sweating from the nightmare, and it's clear he still hasn't slept. There is no way in hell he is driving if I have anything to say about it. I know he's special ops trained, and quite experienced with sleep deprivation, but it's not worth the risk. I can tell the second the anguish of his nightmare transforms into rage.

His nostrils are flaring with anger at me once again making decisions for him. It's such a small thing to demand of him, but it's the last of many, and it's enough to bring the boiling rage that's been simmering to the surface again. I should be afraid. Any intelligent person would get out of his way, especially someone in the position to know and understand his training and everything he's been through. It's rare to see Jack lose his temper, and the few times I've seen it, it has not ended well for whomever is on the receiving end of his fury. This is my fault, and I will fight him every step of the way if that's what it will take to get him back.

"Move your ass Major." His eyes are near black in the dim lighting, and a shiver goes through me as he bares his teeth and lets out a low growl at my silent refusal. As much as I know what's coming, it still takes me a second longer than it should to respond when he wrenches my whole body out of the way, fingers digging into my upper arm. I curse my fair skin as I can already see five purplish marks forming where his fingers dug in. Despite my slow response I still manage to grab onto his free arm and spin him back around before he makes it to the door.

"What the fuck? Lemme go."

"No dammit." He tries to get by me again and I move in front of him hands on his chest.

With a growl he lifts me off the ground entirely in a fireman's carry and slams my body down onto the bed. Before he can get off me again I panic and wrap both my thighs around his midsection and anchor him to me. He presses down against my clavicle with his forearm and my fingernails dig into his back in an effort to stop him getting away. I can tell he's trying very hard to maintain his last thread of control, because despite his rage, he doesn't actually want to hurt me.

It registers finally the position I've managed to get us in. His chest is heaving with frustration, eyes glinting dangerously at me in defiance. He stares me down for a moment and then makes his move. I let out a sharp cry as his hand yanks my hair back, bearing my throat to him. "You're asking for it Major. Keep pushing and you might get more than you bargained for." He grinds his pelvis down into me and I realize not only is he extremely pissed off, he's also very aroused.

And God help me, it sends a thrill of desire shooting up my spine, and a groan escapes without my permission. The show of dominance is not something I would normally find all that attractive. But this is Jack and I trust him with my life.

"Take whatever you want, just please don't leave." My voice is hoarse and I can feel tears threatening to escape my tight control. He stared me down and I maintain eye contact hoping he finds whatever it is he needs to see. He can probably tell that I'm equally aroused. My pupils must be dilated, and my breathing is labored.

"You always let men manhandle you like this?" His breath is hot in my ear and he grinds against me again for effect.

"No. Just you."

"You think this is how I like to treat women. I have never known another woman to be so damned infuriating. What the hell is it you want from me?" His hand tightens in my hair and I grunt in response.

"I trust you Jack. If I asked you to stop, would you?" His fingers slacken their grip just at the threat of me telling him to stop before he can even consciously tell them to.

"If this is what you need from me then take it. I will give you whatever you want. I can handle myself, I'm not made of glass."

"Jesus Carter. I don't want this to be about control. This isn't exactly how I've pictured this happening. I want you to WANT to be with me. Not out of some sick sense of guilt." He releases me and tries to back off but I tighten myself around him again, holding him in place.

"Don't you get it? I would do _anything_ for you. And I can't even fathom living without you. Yes, I took control away from you, and it made you feel helpless, but you've always had just as much control over me, if not more. You can blame it on our ranks if you want, but I _know_ you know that's complete crap." I flip him over so I'm straddling his waist.

"And if it's want you are concerned about, I have never wanted anything so much in my life. How can you not know?" I roll off and sit at the edge of the bed. I think we both need a minute to lick our wounds.

A minute or two pass in silence apart from the slowing of both of our breathing. Eventually I feel the bed dip behind me, and for a second I panic, thinking he's leaving again until I feel his breath warm on my neck.

"I'm so fucking tired of fighting with you, against you...whatever THIS is. I want you more than I thought possible. But I don't want our first time together to be out of anger." His right hand settles warm and solid in the center of my back.

"It's not about anger Jack. I love you." This comes out so quiet I wonder if he's even heard me.

He comes up on his knees behind me, warm and solid and all encompassing. "You sure? If we do this, there's no turning back."

"Yes. I don't want to fight this anymore. I'm yours Jack, I have been for a long time."

TBC...evil I know but I'm trying to actually stay on top of posting for once.

Please R&R. Let me know if you're still with me, and if I should continue.


	5. Chapter 5

Sorry about the wait. This chapter was not co-operating. Definitely mature material ahead. Hopefully more soon.

"What about everything else?" His breath is hot against my neck, sending a thrill down my spine. He's moved behind me so his whole body from shoulder to knee is just barely an inch from my back.

"I don't give a damn about anything else. Not anymore. It turns out I haven't been doing a stellar job of compartmentalizing anyway." I lean back into him, because I'm just so tired of fighting my feelings. And he's warm and hard and _real,_ and the thought of how close we came to never getting here makes my eyes burn, and my throat tighten. The heat of his body against mine and his breath against my neck are the only things keeping me grounded.

There was a time not so long ago when I had the willpower and presence of mind to care that I could very well be about to throw my career out the window. A small part of me mourns for the good little bright eyed soldier who started with the program six years ago. A much larger part of me is very tired of fighting the one thing that makes this whole war even worth fighting. It's really hard to remember sometimes, when the losses start stacking up, and we keep getting our asses handed to us time and again, why we even bother. We've all been through so many things that nobody should ever have to live through, and I think we manage to keep it together fairly well given the circumstances. I just need something to hang onto, a reason to risk my life everyday. Just one selfish reason that is for ME. Not for the planet, or the United States Air Force, something so I can keep going.

I've spent my entire life fighting not to be a stereotype. I've been smarter, a better pilot and a better shot than most of the male air force officers I've met throughout my life. I'm not being self aggrandizing, it's just a fact that to make it to the rank of major in the united states air force I've had to be my best all the time. I used to sneer at women who let men get in the way of their success. Women who let their heart's rule them instead of their brains. And now I'm here, on the other side of the force field if you will. There have been times I have hated Jack O'Neill for turning me into this person, who is the epitome of all that I used to abhor. But there are also times, most of them in fact, that I'm just so thankful I've been given the opportunity to love someone the way that I love him.

It may have been unrequited up until now, but I've seen so much bloodshed and war and torture. After seeing so many cultures and planets and ways of life, I can't bring myself to take it for granted. All over the galaxy there are people forced into unions, marriages born out of power and greed and fear mongering. I can't bring myself to be callous enough to balk at real, true emotion, even if it is well beyond inconvenient. Up until now I've never acted on it, but I've tried to remind myself that we are the lucky ones. And if anyone can figure out how to make this work it's us, after all our jobs are essentially to do the impossible every damn day.

I know the rules are there for a reason, and don't get me wrong I understand why they came to be, but SG1 has been together so long that there's no way I'm any more emotionally compromised in the field with Jack than I am with either Daniel or Teal'c. I would do just about ANYTHING for all three of them. And frankly I just don't see things getting any harder than they are already.

I must have spaced out for a while, contemplating, but I'm sure he can hear my wheels turning. Another bonus of having been in the field with someone for so long, they know when to wait you out, and when to push you. I shake my head minutely and turn my head a little to show I'm present again.

"I'll take care of it Carter. Hammond and I had a talk a while back, after we almost drowned, and I think he may have something in the works. I don't know _what_ , but I'm sure he'll have your back no matter what." His hands have moved to trace circles around the bruises on my arms left by this fingertips. I tense up at the mention of our superior and his hands tighten a bit in response, I guess he thinks it's my turn for retreat now, but I'm not going anywhere. I realize that although he knows I was lost in thought, he still thinks there's a possibility of me changing my mind. I purposefully lean back into him again, and his muscles relax in response.

"And what about your back? Does he have that as well?"

"We both agreed that yours was more important." I open my mouth to protest but I barely get a syllable out before he's talking over me. "Ah, Carter. If it's at all possible, he will protect us both, but if it's not, he will do whatever he can to protect you and your career. We both know I've pissed a lot more people off than you have anyway, you're a smaller target." His fingertips have moved while he was talking to trace the very edge of my breast through my tank top. I don't think he realizes his hands are driving me to distraction.

"I won't let you suffer all the consequences for something that was a mutual decision. We both know the risks, and we're both adults." My voice has dropped to a coarse rumble I barely recognize. His breath on my neck is carrying through my entire body. I'm finding it harder and harder to concentrate on what we're talking about. Yes, it's important that we talk about possible repercussions, but it's not like I haven't gone over this a million times in my head. My decision was made the second I heard he went missing from the Tok'ra, and I've had plenty of time to try and talk myself out of it. Frankly we've never been terribly good at talking anyway.

"Hey, Jack?"

"Yeah?"

"Can we maybe stop talking now?" He lets out a huff of laughter against the back of my neck.

"Something else you have in mind?" His travelling fingers dip beneath my tank top to trail lightly against the bare underside of my breast. Okay, maybe he does realize he's driving me to distraction. I slide my fingers through his so he doesn't think I'm trying to get out of his grasp when I move. I want to be facing him if we're going to keep going. He seems to sense what I want and backs farther up the bed on his knees. Once we're face to face neither of us seem entirely sure where to start. Anything that has happened so far has been because of a rash emotional decision. Now however we are both completely aware of our actions and the possible consequences. We both just stare at eachother for a couple seconds.

My hands tremble a bit when I reach forward to push his jacket back down his arms and onto the bed. He reaches forward to trail a finger from my collar bone down my sternum to the edge of my tank top. Before I know it he's got my tank over my head and off. Suddenly I'm very conscious of the fact that he is fully dressed with his shoes still on while I am bare down to my panties. I resist the urge to cover my breasts, but I can't quite bring myself to make eye contact either. I've never been particularly shy of my body, being in the military makes modesty a bit impossible. Hell, he's seen me in less. I just can't help being aware of how my ribs and hipbones protrude from my nearly translucent skin. Where there once were healthy curves, there is only muscle and bone.

"Hey, look at me." I still can't seem to bring myself to do it, until his warm strong hand on my jaw takes the choice away from me. I can't help it, my arms come up seemingly of their own will.

"Seriously? You have nothing to hide Carter." His hands gently tug my arms back down to my side and he inches forward so his chest is pressed to mine.

"I'm just...I couldn't even pass my physical." If he weren't so close he wouldn't have been able to decipher any of that sentence it was so mumbled.

He slides back a bit again so he can pull his shirt up over his head. He grabs my hand in his and presses it to the sharp edge of his collarbone, then his ribcage and down to his hip, pressing my fingers to his flesh where the bones are protruding severely. My lip starts to tremble and I have to look away from him again. The evidence of his mistreatment causing a tidal wave of emotion too large for me to contain. _My fault, I did this._ A strangled sob manages to escape despite my attempts at suppressing it.

"Shit Sam, we've been through a hell of a lot over the last few months. I like to think we've seen each other at every possible extreme, and yeah maybe I'm a little biased, but I barely stopped myself from mauling you when you were half starved and covered in oil and coal dust on 118 two years ago, what makes you think this is any different. Yes I would love to see you get back to your normal weight, because I like it better when you're healthy, but you being underweight doesn't change a damn thing for me."

When I still won't make eye contact he presses my hand down farther, so I can feel exactly how much he wants me, underweight or not. We both hiss at the contact and I can feel my blood pressure sky rocket in response. He grabs hold of my hand again and yanks me forwards so we're pressed chest to chest again, this time with not a scrap between us. My breath catches in my throat at the contact.

"Do you trust me?" His lips caress my ear as he speaks sending a shiver through my whole body.

"Yesss." I can't help the hiss. As much as my brain is still stuttering over my inadequacies and the pain I've caused him, my heart and body are already ten steps ahead.

"Then believe me when I say I have never wanted someone so much in my life. Understood?" One of his hands slides into my hair to gently make sure I make eye contact, the other crossing my back to hold me against him.

"Yessir." He lets out a groan at the honourific. He seems to decide we are done talking now and before I have a chance to say anything else his mouth is slanting hot and demanding over mine. It's not rough exactly, but I wouldn't call in gentle either. I've never known Jack O'Neill to do anything halfway so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised when he puts his entire being into kissing me. After a moment his tongue is demanding entrance and I can't help but acquise. His hand moves from my hair to angle my jaw how he wants me, and suddenly I feel like I'm being devoured.

It's a good thing his arm across my back is holding me upright, or I would surely have landed in an ungraceful heap on the bed by now. There's only so long that I can take staying passive, and I have plenty of exploring of my own to do. I grab hold of his hair and force him back an inch or so but he grabs hold of my lower lip with his teeth, preventing me from getting very far. I decide a little distraction might be in order.

I swirl my tongue along his and slide my free hand down and around his hip, underneath the fabric of his BDU pants and shorts. I feel the groan he lets out as my nails dig into a cheek, reverberate through my own chest and suddenly my patience is gone. It seems to have been enough for him too because he's devouring my mouth while I attempt to get his belt undone. His palm presses into my back and his upper body presses against mine, pushing me onto my back on the bed. Suddenly he rips his mouth from mine and is on his feet beside me.

The noise of protest I make is girly and embarrassing but I am way too worked up to care. He's not gone very long though. He manages to kick off his still unlaced boots while simultaneously undoing his pants. Its a matter of about three seconds before he's naked and standing beside me. I've seen him naked before, but not like this. Quick stolen glances in a decon shower hardly count. He's definitely lost a lot of weight with being sick and then weeks of torture, but it doesn't change the fact that somehow Jack O'Neill is more powerful and imposing bare ass naked that most men can pull off fully clothed.

I get up on my knees again and crawl to sit directly in front of him on the bed. "See something you like Major?"

"Hmm, definitely. Might require further examination though." I lick my lips subconsciously and press my palm to the puckered mark left by the orbs 'tentacles' or whatever so very long ago. His body is certainly battle worn, quite a few scars I recognize, but some are older, probably from his time in black ops, or as a POW. I remember now that even repeated treatments in a sarcophagus can only heal so much. Judging by how he's walking I think the machine spent most of it's energy not used to bring him back from the dead and heal his life threatening injuries to heal his knees.

I lean in and press my lips to the scar and he lets out a hiss in response. I continue onto his right arm where Tonane's arrow pierced. I would look for more but I am way too distracted by the sharp edge of his jaw, which I have spent a disturbing amount of time contemplating over the years. I press the flat of my tongue along the stubble there. With a low growl he pushes me further up the bed, once again using his upper body to press me onto my back. Somehow before I even notice he's doing it my underwear are flying across the room and he's pressed from knee to shoulder on top of me.

"Guh." Well that was ladylike. I'm pretty sure I'm on fire. His skin is warm and soft, and his hands are everywhere. One hand in my hair turns my head so he can bite the edge of my jaw, apparently I'm not the only one fond of that spot. Some day we really need to have a talk about the hair pulling, but just...SO not today. His mouth leaves a trail of fire down my neck, across my chest and to my sternum. The hand in my hair leaves to palm my left breast while his mouth assaults the other one. Fuck, he is way too good at this. After a few moments he lets my nipple go with a pop and continues to press kisses down my abdomen, tongue swirling hotly in the hollow of a hip bone.

I grab hold of him under the arms and haul him back up and he lets out a grunt of disappointment. "Later...no more screwing around."

I press a palm to his back to bring him back flush against me and bring my thighs up around his waist. He seems like he's about to argue until he slides along my center and realizes just how far gone I am. "Jesus Carter, I haven't even touched you."

I let out a bark of laughter at that. "Oh you haven't had to touch me for years. Some days the smell of you was too much."

"Fuck. You trying to kill me? I can't know that, I still have to sit beside you in the briefing room. Now I'm going to be wondering if you're this turned on, while sitting three feet away from the General." His is voice is hoarse, and a good octave lower than normal, his warm breath on my neck making my nerve endings tingle in anticipation.

"Hmm, serves you right. It's your fault anyway. You have any idea how you look at me sometimes when you think I'm not looking?" He leans back and makes eye contact, his hand sliding along my jaw again, this time more caressing than demanding. "Actually, yeah, that look right there."

"Yes well, have you seen yourself. Cuz you're really hot, and I think it's pretty amazing I've managed to keep my hands to myself for so long." He comes up further on his knees, pressing my legs a little farther apart. I don't think I've ever felt so exposed in my entire life. The only place he's touching me is his hands on my thighs, but the intensity of his gaze may as well be a physical thing.

I feel myself flush all the way down to my toes. Not from embarrassment, but because I'm pretty sure his gaze is setting every one of my nerve endings on fire. It only takes a couple of seconds of this before I'm squirming under his gaze. I close my eyes because I'm pretty sure at this point the second he touches me with actual intent I'm a goner.

"Hey, look at me." My eyes snap open again and I get lost in the swell of emotion pooling in his near black eyes. "Last chance to change your mind."

"NO." That comes out a little more frantic than I was going for. "You good? Because I'm not changing my mind."

He nods and leans forward to kiss me gently. A brief chaste slide of lips before he leans back again. He lifts my hips an inch and before I know it he's sliding in as far as he can in one swift thrust. I can't help the yell that escapes as he slides home. Luckily he's heard me yelp in pain often enough to know that's _not_ what that was. He pauses long enough to let my body adjust before he pulls almost all the way out before slamming all the way back again.

By the third thrust I'm using what little leverage I have to move with him. He leans back on his haunches a bit, intent on watching me. He uses both thumbs to spread me open around him. I can tell by the tensing of his muscles that he's not going to last long. I'm kind of glad of the awkward angle cause I'm pretty sure it's the only reason I didn't come immediately. He spreads his knees wide, forcing my legs open further while simultaneously pressing his thumbs together and I'm gone. Then he's slamming into me with such force I'm sliding up the bed with every thrust. He finally puts his arms down on either side of my shoulders, crushing my breasts against his chest so he can get more leverage. A couple more bone shaking thrusts and he's gone with a growl unlike anything I've ever heard.

He tries to move to roll off of me, but I've been wanting this for so long I'm not ready to let him go yet. He's heavy against my chest, but also comforting in a way that I never thought I'd get to feel. Suddenly everything is too much and my breath hitches and the floodgates open, the tears silently pouring out. My nails press into his back, holding him tight against me. "Hey, it's alright. We're fine." He doesn't try to pull back and look at me, he just presses his face into my neck and slides his hands under my shoulders to hold me against him.

We stay like that for a few minutes, him pressing gentle kisses to anywhere he can reach, while I attempt to get myself back under control. I take a few deep breaths to steady my breathing and pull his head up so I can see his face. I can tell my the tracks on his face that he's cried too, either in response to my tears or because he's equally overwhelmed I'm not sure.

"Sorry. It's just been a really long few months, and I can't even believe we finally made it here. I think it was mostly relief." His thumbs smooth the remaining tears from my cheeks and he presses a sweet kiss to my lips.

"I know. I get it. I think we both needed that anyway, just don't make a habit of it. Sooo not good for a guy's ego." He rolls onto his back taking me with him. His palm is swirling soothingly along my back and within moments I'm drifting into the first truly peaceful sleep I've had in as long as I can remember. I'm not naive enough to think we've gotten past everything. We're both strong willed, stubborn people, and it will take us time to get past everything that has happened. I know for sure the nightmares aren't over, but maybe we can both stop the waking nightmare that has become our lives over the last year.

tbc...


	6. Chapter 6

This chapter is kind of short, but time seems to be escaping me yet again. Let me know what y'all think.

I wake with the sun about four hours later to the sound of my blender whirring to life. While I'm curious to see what he's doing, I'm too comfortable to bother moving. I'm also pretty sure he's making me one of those dreadful shake things, and that is so not worth getting out of bed for. I was pretty out, I wonder how long he's been up, assuming he slept at all.

I must doze off again, because I wake to the bed dipping beside me and a warm hand trailing down my arm. "Hi." I can't help the goofy grin that appears on my face upon seeing him here, in my house at 6am, in only his jeans.

"Hi there. Sorry to wake you, but I have an appointment with Doc at 7 and I didn't want to leave without saying anything." His hand reaches out to play with my hair, which must be a complete disaster. The gesture is so soft and unlike him I can't help the smile on my face growing even wider at the sentimental display of affection.

I sit up with the sheet wrapped around me and lean forward for a kiss. He tries his best to deepen it, but morning breath is making me self conscious, and I pull away before he gets very far. "If you want any more than that, I demand to brush my teeth flyboy."

"Hmm. Well I made you breakfast. I recommend this before brushing your teeth." I can't help my face scrunching up when he hands me the smoothie.

"Hey, try it before you say anything. Sadly I've had quite a bit of experience with post torture weight management." He hands it to me and raises a Teal'c like eyebrow at me when I'm still hesitant.

"You're aware it wasn't me that was tortured right?" I take a sniff of the smoothie, and I have to admit it _smells_ better than it normally does.

He lets out a huff of laughter. "Yeah, I know you well enough to know you are quite capable of torturing yourself. Trust me I know the signs. Don't forget I'm prone to the same self-destructive bullshit. Hell sometimes I wonder if you learned it from me, but then I remember who your dad is."

I grunt noncommittally in response. He's not wrong. Doesn't mean I have to like it. I take a small sip of my smoothie and then look at him, and then back at the smoothie. "What did you do to it...it doesn't taste like shit."

"There are these things called fruit. I noticed you didn't have any so I went and got you some mango, banana,kiwi and some berries. Oh and some milk, that powdered crap does not mix well in water. I got you some groceries too, the only thing in your fridge was a moldy tomato."

I can't help the flush of embarrassment. We may have just slept together, but something about my commanding officer seeing how poorly I've been taking care of myself is a little mortifying. I realize too that he must have seen the state of my living room. I consider for a moment trying to escape, but I'm kind of naked and hiding under the sheets seems a little childish. Besides, I'm going to have to learn to let him in more, if I expect him to do the same.

"Thank you. I could have done it. I probably wouldn't have mind you, so thank you. I'm sorry you had to see the living room like that." I concentrate on finishing my breakfast so I don't have to make eye contact. Again, a little childish, but I'm not likely to change _completely_ overnight.

"Hey, anytime. Don't think I don't realize you're the one who watered my plants, and cleaned out my fridge, and re stocked my cupboards before I got home. Just repaying the favor." He leans forward and presses a kiss to my forehead, thumb rubbing circles on my cheek. "And I'll be back in a couple hours, so let me help you with the living room. Pretty sure it's my fault anyway"

"You don't have to do that. I mean...I want you to come back, you just don't have to help me clean up." I'm quick to correct myself, I don't want him to think I'm trying to get rid of him.

"Hey, I don't mind. I have a truck, and you're going to need to make a dump run. I'll come back with some boxes. I'm going to talk to Hammond while I'm a at the base, I already called to see if he could fit me in, so if I'm a bit late that's why." He stands and start hunting around for the rest of his clothes.

"Do you want me to come with? I feel like I should be there when you talk to him." I can't help the cringe on my face at the mere thought of dealing with Hammond right now. As much as I feel like I should be there, I sure as hell don't _want_ to be there.

"Um, no. I think I should handle it. Besides I already got the ball rolling, and considering the last few weeks I'm pretty sure he knows what I want to talk about." I can't help but admire the view as he leans forward to tie his boots, upper back muscles rippling beneath his skin. I can tell by the smirk on his face when he turns around that my perusal hasn't gone unnoticed.

"I should really know better than to encourage you."

"Hey, a hot naked blonde looks at me like that, I've gotta be doing something right. And believe me, a sixteen year age gap is hell on the ego, I'll take what I can get. Aha" He comes toward me and reaches out a hand behind me to pull his t-shirt out from under the blanket.

"You so have nothing to worry about there. Pretty sure you're in better shape than half the twenty something marines on base. I've seen you run circles around them in the gym. And hand their asses to them sparring. I'll be right back." I keep the sheet wrapped around me as I head into the bathroom, grabbing an old air force academy t shirt on the way.

I laugh a little upon seeing my reflection in the bathroom mirror. I'm a complete disaster. My hair is a complete mess, I've got stubble burn on part of my neck and chest, and a few suspicious looking red marks Jack and I are going to have to have a conversation about at some point, and my lips are red and swollen. What I notice most though is the difference between this woman I see in the mirror and the gaunt looking train wreck that stared back at me just yesterday. We may not have gotten past all the hurdles but one thing I know for sure is that the woman in the mirror actually looks happy. A completely foreign expression on my face as of late.

I drop the sheet and promptly decide it's a really good thing I don't need to see Janet again for at least a few days, because I'm pretty sure I can see a perfect outline of Jack's teeth on the outside of one breast. Oh he is so going to pay for that later. I put some toothpaste on my toothbrush and jump in the shower as I finish brushing. Military training or maybe just my need to see Jack off for some reason, even though I know it won't be long before I see him again, has me in and out in less than two minutes.

He's sprawled across my bed, still holding his shirt in one hand and the scientific journal I had on my nightstand with the other. I can tell by the graphic on the page that he's reading the article I was reading last. One that happens to be extremely technical. "You're not careful you might ruin your whole dumb Colonel front."

He snaps the journal shut and puts it down where it was. "Not like I understand any of it anyway." He grumbles and then sits on the edge of my bed pulling me towards him by the edge of my tshirt.

"Sure flyboy. I've seen your file, and although a whole lot of it is redacted, it does have your academic history in there." I push him back on the bed and climb up so my knees are either side of his hips.

"Snooping in my file eh? You didn't tell Daniel did you?" His hands are slowly sliding up my thighs, sending pleasurable little tingles up my spine. His thumbs come to rest against the hollow or my hip bones, drawing circular patters against my skin.

"Hmmm, and not be able to watch his utter frustration when he 'confuses' you...yeah I don't think so." I can't help the groan of displeasure when his hands slip down along my thighs again.

"As much as I would really, really like to continue this...you're gonna make me late Carter. And you're going to have to move because I'm sure I don't have the willpower right now to make you."

I grin a little evilly at him and lean forward to jam my tongue down his throat. Before he can respond for more than a second I pull back and jump off of him to stand beside the bed. "Well come on then, best not to keep the boss waiting...especially when one is asking for favors."

"Fuck Carter, you are so going to pay for that later." He sits up after a good ten seconds of squeezing his eyes shut. He finally pulls his shirt back on and stands in front of me, the look on his face damn near feral.

"Mmm, promises, promises."

He moves as far into my space as possible and slides one hand into my hair, gripping tightly. His mouth slants hard against mine, nearly sucking the oxygen out of my lungs. His mouth devours mine until my legs turn to jello and I melt into him, his forearm coming up my back to keep me upright. He walks be back until my knees hit the edge of the bed and pushes me down to sit on the edge, only releasing my mouth when I'm fully seated. Then he tears himself away from me, using all of the restraint he can muster and is on the other side of the room in a flash.

"Three hours tops, and I'll be back. I'll make us some lunch and we can sort out the disaster that is your living room." I just smile and nod, terrified that if I open my mouth I will do something terrifyingly needy like beg him to stay. What the hell is wrong with me?

He seems to spend a couple of seconds talking his feet into walking away from me and then he's speed walking down the hall and out my front door before he can change his mind.


	7. Chapter 7

The next few chapters are from jack's perspective. Hopefully I have all the tenses correct. As always R&R is much appreciated.

Jack:

Once I'm out of the springs and on the back roads leading to the mountain I can finally drag my thoughts away from what I left behind and focus on what's coming. There are a few things I left out when I told Carter the General and I had a chat. Though it may have ended amicably it certainly hadn't started that way.

It all started with nearly drowning in a Teltac. _Not_ how I want to go by the way...

One month earlier...

By the time we actually get back on dry land, Carter and I are completely refusing to even look at each other, not that either one of us would say much because at that point we are both shivering incessantly, and I'm pretty sure if I had the balls to actually look at her, her lips would be blue.

By the time we get warmed up, cleaned up and checked up, it's turning into one hell of a long day. The mission debrief finally comes at about 17:00, with very little input from Carter or myself. By the end of the hour and a half long 'briefing'(HA, no such thing as a brief briefing) I can tell Hammonds patience is about to run out. Any comments I have made thus far are either acerbic or just short of completely out of line, and Jacob and I have been needling each other pretty much the whole time, causing Carter to hiss at both of us in reproval.

Paul Davis is sitting there ramrod straight and seemingly about to have a panic attack at the complete disrespect I've been showing both Generals, and Jonas hasn't stopped talking long enough to breath in about six minutes. If I wasn't in such an apocalyptic mood I may have asked if his people were _known_ for having a ridiculous lung capacity. The general seems unwilling to even bother trying to tame us at this point, probably figuring we are all just exhausted and sends us all packing before he strangles the lot of us. Saving the world does count for something, after all.

At the word 'dismissed' Carter and I are out of the room like a shot, Jacob following his daughter while grumbling under his breath either to himself or at Slemak. Or maybe the both of them are plotting my demise. I frankly wouldn't blame them. At least they will have a few days together before he has to leave again. Also the fact that he will be a Casa Carter will stop me from doing something incredibly stupid. That brilliant assumption is my first mistake.

Once out of the briefing room I realize I don't really have a lot of options. I am exhausted but I'm also strung out and way too wired to sleep any time soon. I don't want to risk running into Carter in the locker room and I sure as hell don't want to go home and have to think about the last few days, so I head straight to the gym in my BDU's and boots. I start with the treadmill, and run for a good forty minutes before being interrupted by a bunch of rowdy marines from SG5. If I was smart I would get out of here, but alas I've never been known for my brilliance.

I don't know if they can just tell that I'm was on edge, or if it's just because they like to hassle me but it takes all of five minutes of them sparring before they are trying to get me on the mats with them. Normally I am smart enough to decline. I have no need to prove myself to a bunch of jar heads. Right now though I'm angry and frustrated and looking for somewhere to put it. The short of it is that three of us end up in the infirmary. I need a couple of stitches. The other guys...well lets just say they end up on stand down two weeks and I end up back in Hammonds office, still in my blood soaked BDU's.

I forget sometimes that George Hammond can be a very scary man when he is angry. And this is anger like I have never seen. He seems to have surpassed rage and moved on to the silent kind of anger that was reminiscent of a Cobra about to strike. One look at him and I come to full attention before his desk, not daring to make eye contact until he puts me at ease, which is pretty damned unlikely to happen.

"Close the door airman." I quickly complied, coming back to attention before him.

I can see a vein bulging on the side of his head I have only ever seen directed at scumbag politicians, and I immediately feel guilty for allowing my frustration and rage to put me on the wrong side of someone whom I deeply respected. Someone who always has my back, no matter how impossible I make it.

"Would you care to tell me why two of my men are in the infirmary?" His voice is calm, way too calm.

"Yes, Sir. We were sparring, Sir." I may be stupid, but I know when to be a good little soldier, and if ever there was a time, now would be it.

"THAT was not sparring. I know your background Jack, and you know damn well you outmatch those boys. Sparring is for teaching, and learning. It is certainly not supposed to end with three men in the infirmary. Now are you ready to tell me what happened on that damn ship? Or do I need to suspend you until you've come to your goddamned senses?" His voice is rising, seemingly beyond his control.

"No Sir. I just, it's...nothing happened Sir."

He seems to deflate a little. "Son, I've read your file. Every single black mark on your record. In all the years you've been under my command I've always had trouble reconciling the man I know, with the man I was warned about, and have read about on paper. I was starting to think that that man didn't exist. Now though, now I think I'm wrong. I think you're team has made you the man you are now, but something happened on that ship that made you revert to, well frankly, a stubborn, unruly, unrepentant jackass. Now we either need to talk about it now, or you're on stand down until you can get your shit together. What's it going to be son?"

I open and close my mouth a few times and then finally make eye contact. He must see something in my eyes that I seem completely unable to say in words because with a mumbled curse under his breath he finally says. "Sit down Jack." He reaches down into the bottom drawer of his desk and pulls out two glasses and a bottle of scotch. He sets them on his desk, eyes me warily and then picks up his phone to tell Walter to hold his calls.

"Alright Jack, for the moment lets just call this two friends having a chat. Whatever you have to say stays between the two of us, unless you decide otherwise." He clunks a glass down in front of me and I reach for the liquid courage greatfully.

"Um, yeah ok. I don't know where to start."

"The beginning is usually a good place." He takes a gulp of his scotch and leans back in his chair, waiting for me to begin.

"Well I guess that would be two years ago, with some armbands and a Tok'ra lie detector test." At this he closes his eyes in defeat.

"I saw the security tapes Jack, before I conveniently lost them forever. I've always had great respect for the two of you, how you've handled yourselves in a less than ideal situation. Has something changed that I should know about Son?"

"NO, dammit. Nothing's changed and that's the damn problem. I can't deal with this shit anymore. I watched her fucking drown today." I can't handle sitting anymore, the nervous energy is back with a vengeance, and I have to pace to stop myself from breaking something.

"What are you saying Jack?"

"I'm saying that something has to give soon, before I go completely mental. I've been thinking of retirement, or re-retirement if you will. I don't want to leave SG1, but I also don't want to be re-assed away from here. But if I leave, I lose my clearance, and what good is that? I've been in too many of those relationships, and you know...her, her work is her life, I can't even imagine her having to separate the two. It's a no win situation, and I just can't fucking handle it anymore." I slam my hand against the back of the door, leaning in to rest my head against the cool surface.

"I know son. What if I could find another option? I can't guarantee you'll get everything you want, but I can damn well make sure she's protected. I've had a few ideas, I just figured you'd let me know when I needed to pursue them. I had hoped you would be a little more subtle, but I should know better." He lets out a laugh at that, and I can finally breath again.

"Ok, whatever you can do Sir. And thank you, for everything. I know I'm an asshole sometimes, and I certainly haven't made your job any easier." He lets out another bark of laughter at that.

"Sometimes? Alright . Well let me know if anything changes, I can't protect either one of you if I don't know all the facts." I nod in assent and finish my drink, coming to attention in front of his desk once more.

He carefully puts away the glasses and scotch and comes to stand before me. "You know you'll have two VERY pissed off generals on your hands if this goes sideways."

"Yes Sir. I don't think you two could do any worse than I would do to myself if I let that happen."

He moves to the door and eyes me for a second before nodding. Then he comes to his full height, takes a deep breath and slams the door open, reverting immediately back to pissed off General mode. I'm not even sure what he says at this point, too distracted by the fact that I've essentially just bared my soul to my superior officer to really pay attention. Doesn't matter though, whatever he says comes out in a booming voice that must echo around the control room, and is enough to inspire a perfect salute and a barked "Sir, yes Sir" from me in response. Then he storms back into his office and slams the door in my face.

Never let it be said that General George Hammond can't bullshit with the best of them, because that was one hell of a performance. Word of my confrontation must have spread pretty quickly because I make it out of the mountain in record time. Not a single person attempts to talk to me and a few even jump out of my way. Even the guards at the gate barely make eye contact, coming to attention as I approach. I don't even bother to put them at ease and just get out of there as fast as possible.


	8. Chapter 8

Thank you all for sticking with me. Really appreciate the awesome review. Keep em coming. As usual my muse seems to have a mind of her own. Onward...

Still Jack...

By the time I get to the mountain I've only got about 20 minutes before I have to see Janet. I head down in my civvies, because I don't have time to change. I realize belatedly that she is incredibly observant, and I can tell by the slightly raised eyebrow that it hasn't escaped her notice I'm in the same clothes from yesterday. "Everything alright, Colonel?"

"Huh? Yeah fine. Just peachy." I try for my usual sarcastic self but I don't think I'm actually pulling it off. I can't feel her sizing me up as she grabs me a gown to change into.

"Aww come on, a gown really?"

"I need to weigh you, see if you've made at least some progress in gaining back the weight you've lost. Last check you were down even farther than when we first got you back. I don't think I need to tell you what that looks like." With a frustrated sigh of submission I grab the stupid gown and go behind the curtain to change.

"Yea, yea...PTSD. The last freaking thing I need is Mackenzie on my ass." I step out and onto the scale like a good little patient. I don't even have to look at the numbers to know it's not good news. Her frustrated little grunt is enough to tell me I'm in trouble again.

"Dammit Jack, you need to get this under control. You know I need to report this. If you keep slipping it will be out of my hands. It's only two pounds, but still you're down. Did you even buy the supplements I sent you to get?" Man she might be short but she is certainly scary when she's pissed.

"Yeah, I bought them."

"Yeah, they're still in your truck aren't they?" She finishes making a few notes and then motions for me to sit.

"Maybe..."

She pulls out the blood pressure cuff, a couple of vials and then moves behind me to get a syringe. The startled little gasp she makes as she comes around behind me causes me to turn just in time to catch her eyeing my back speculatively.

"What?"

She reaches into a drawer and pulls out a mirror, holding it up behind me at an angle I can see. "Aw shit."

She bursts out laughing. "Yeah if you're looking to keep any secrets I'd watch your back in the locker room for a while. Pretty sure everyone will come to the same conclusion I just did as to who exactly gave you those."

They're not big, or very deep but there are definitely scratch marks on both of my shoulder blades that leave little room for misinterpretation. "Oh she is so dead. You don't need to...um...report THAT do you?"

"No, I think I can keep that little gem to myself." She moves around in front of me, and I find myself really glad it's her and not one of her nurses. Yet another person who has always had my back no matter how ungrateful I've been. The next few minutes pass in silence as she takes my BP and three vials of blood. I'm amazed I have any left in there after the last week. I don't harass her about it though, I'm sure everyone on the base has had quite enough of my bullshit over the last couple months to last them a lifetime. The least I can do is take it a little easier on the people who really do care about me.

She pats me on the shoulder on her way by as she leave me to change again. I place my hand on top of hers to stop her. "Hey Janet? Thanks...for everything." She makes a small noise of assent and squeezes my shoulder, and gives me a look that's not hard to interpret. 'Get your shit together'.

I change back into my civvies and head to Hammond's office. I should go to the locker room and change into my uniform, but I don't want to risk any unwanted speculation before I have a chance to tell Hammond myself. I'm also not entirely sure it will be a conversation between Colonel and General. Perhaps my choice of wardrobe will make it clear that I'm hoping for another George and Jack conversation.

The General is just finishing up a briefing with SG8, whom I remember belatedly have gained Teal'c as a temporary member while Carter and I are on stand down. He often lends his services to other teams when the rest of us are on down time, because it means he spends less time cooped up in the mountain.

I can feel his piercing gaze before I've even made it fully up the stairs. I stop dead at the top of the stairs, I'm sure looking very much like the proverbial 'deer in headlights'. Shit, I was really hoping to avoid him for a few days...looks like the universe has other plans. The team has already been dismissed so it's just Teal'c and I and one of the scientist gathering up his briefing notes. Hammond is waiting patiently for me outside his office door. Teal'c eyes me a little more intently, taking in my day old civilian clothes. "We will converse in private when you are done speaking with General Hammond. I will wait for you in my quarters." There is no room for argument. I'm pretty sure I've never had Teal'c demand to speak to me before.

"Do I have a choice?"

"You do not." At this he grabs his briefing binder and heads out of the room. Well crap. I so didn't need another confrontation today. I catch the end of a smirk on the general's face as I head towards his office. Bastard. Everyone is enjoying my discomfort just a little too much. I probably deserve it.

Hammond looks me up and down as I step into his office, closing the door behind me. "Well, have a seat...Jack." He puts enough emphasis on my first name that I'm now sure I'm talking to George.

"Thank you." I sit gingerly, ready to bolt at any second. As much as it needs to be done, I'm REALLY not looking forward to this conversation. I not terribly good at talking on a good day, never mind when I've done something court martial worthy.

"Well, what is it son? Do I need to bring out the liquid courage again or can we just get on with it?"

I stare at him blankly for another few seconds, not because I don't understand, but because as usual I don't have the slightest idea where to start."I um. That conversation we had a while back? You wanted to know if anything changed." I manage at least to make eye contact, even if I do sound like an idiot.

"OK, so somethings changed. I don't need details, but I assume there's been a breach in regulations?" He leans forward to press his palms flat against his desk.

"Yessir."

"Ok, well the president and I have come to an agreement but I don't know how the two of you are going to feel about it. It actually went a lot better than I was expecting, but there is one rather specific stipulation." He reaches reaches down and unlocks the bottom drawer of his desk and pulls out a rather intimidating stack of papers. He eyes me warily for a moment and then pulls out the very bottom paper laying it flat facing me and leans back in his chair.

I stare at him for a moment, a little concerned about his demeanor before I reach forward hesitantly and grab the piece of paper. I can feel myself flush when I see exactly what it is in front of me. If the document itself was a surprise, the messily scrawled signature along one of the witness lines damn near gives me a heart attack. I suddenly don't feel so good. Colonel's are not supposed to faint, right?. Maybe if I keep telling myself that, it won't happen.

"Ahem. Um, what about everything else Sir? Our positions? Her career?"

"So long as you two agree to those terms, and read through the contract we've drawn up specifically for this situation, no further changes or _charges_ for that matter will be necessary. To sum it up, you will have no further input when it comes to promotions and disciplinary actions, and you will not allow this to interfere in anyway with your team dynamic. If there are any conduct issues on base or off world concerning either or both of you, you will be reassigned immediately.

I don't even know what to do with this. And I sure as hell don't know how to ask Carter about it. This is a lot to ask, especially now. Carter and I may have slept together and made some progress with being open and honest with one another but we've got six years of denial and anger and frustration to work through. Some time to get used to this might have been nice. There doesn't seem to be another option though. And don't get me wrong it's not that it's something I don't want, I'm just terrified of fucking up again. And lets face it I'm REALLY good at that.

I must have zoned out because I realize suddenly that Hammond is talking. "Sorry Sir, what was that?" My voice doesn't come out nearly as strong as I had intended.

"I said Jack...that we got a _call_ from the Tok'ra. Jacob will be here in two days time, I suggest you figure out your shit before then." He hands me the rest of the papers, and neat and in a folder clearly marked 'classified'.

"OK, yeah. We'll try to do that." I feel like I've been sucker punched. I expected a lot of things from outright dismissal to court marshal. Perhaps moving Carter to her own team finally. THIS though, this blindsided me.

"And Jack. When Jacob was here last, he left me this for you. With very clear instructions." He reaches back into the bottom drawer and grabs something else. He looks at me for a moment and then tosses it at me.

Luckily my reflexes are faster than my brain, because it might have looked pretty silly if I dove out of the way and yelped like a little girl. In my hand is a little worn black velvet box with a folded note wrapped around it held in place by an elastic. My name is written in Jacobs neat little block letters.

"And Jack...don't fuck this up. It's not just your ass on the line."

I finally make eye contact again and come to attention. I can't even fathom the strings he's had to pull for this to come together. I snap off a perfect salute. "Yes, Sir."

Looks like I'm off to ask Carter to marry me, possibly after I have a heart attack.

tbc...


	9. Chapter 9

And yet more Jack...

I make my way to my office because it's the only place I can think of that no one but Hammond would look for me. I'm pretty sure Teal'c will wait for me in his quarters as promised, and I'm positive Jonas doesn't even know where my office is.

Despite what I may lead people to believe I do actually read my memo's and do my paperwork. I may abhor it but it's a price one pays for being an officer. The time off will give a brief reprieve from the tedious task of sorting through all the crap that's piled on my desk at the moment. I've got other things on my mind at the moment anyway.

I feel like the little box is burning a hole in my pocket. And the note attached scares the living crap out of me. I place the box in the center of my blotter and lower myself into my chair. I scrub my hands through my hair and palm my face a couple times before working up the courage to pull the letter off the box. Shit. I can't do this. I want to be with Carter. So much it hurts most days. But can I really ask this of her? I'm not exactly a prize, and she's young and brilliant and...well hot. What have I done to deserve her?

But then, I seem to have Jacob's blessing, I must have done something right. I can't for the life of me figure out what. Maybe Selmak finally got sick of Jacob's shit and possessed him entirely? She did always have a soft spot for me, though yet again I can't imagine why. It's not like I've made any attempt to hide my disdain for any and all snakes, no matter their loyalties. I guess there's really only one way to find out though. I take a deep breath and open the letter, smoothing it out in front of me.

 _Jack,_

 _Believe me when I say that I never could have imagined in a million years that I of all people would be writing you this letter. Perhaps I've grown sentimental in my old age, or perhaps I can blame Selmak, and the inexplicable fondness she has for you. I knew the second I met you that you were trouble. The reason I was such an asshole the first time we met was because I couldn't help but notice the way you - her CO of all people - looked at my little girl._

 _Then Selmak happened and I went to live with tok'ra, and got to know my daughter in a way I thought I had sold any hope of for the air force. I got to see the amazing, brilliant, dedicated person she had become. And I got to know her flaws. Her obsession beyond reason with work. Her complete lack of concern for her own welfare. Her habit of running into the fire instead of away from it even against the worst possible odds._

 _And then. Then I got to watch the two of you grow. As a team. As superior and subordinate. And as friends. I began to notice what Selmak and George kept hinting towards. YOU. You pulling my little girls ass out of the fire time and again, no matter the personal cost to yourself. You making sure she slept when she was too focused on a project, that she didn't skip meals in favor of calculations. That she had FUN, instead of being so damn serious all the time._

 _I have to admit for quite a while I was still livid. While you were there for her, I could tell your feelings for her were anything but professional. The general in me wanted to send your ass to Mcmurdo or bring you up on charges. You have to understand, she's my little girl, and all I could see was her career being flushed down the toilet, because you had no self control. Before I realized you have more self control than anyone I have ever met._

 _I don't know if you know this, but I came to visit Sam while you were trapped on Edora. We had no ships at the time and it would have taken too long to get to you anyway. And then I experienced Sam without you. She didn't eat. She didn't sleep. She didn't leave the mountain once the entire time you were out there. More than once Janet actually sedated her after she ended up in the infirmary. After a while she wouldn't even talk to me. She locked me out of her lab until I finally had to return to the Tok'ra._

Fuck me. I stand up so fast my chair goes spinning into the wall behind me.I take a minute to digest that little piece of information. I know she busted her ass to get me back, I just never realized how bad it got. Christ, Daniel reamed my ass out once I was planet side, and even he didn't tell me everything...or so it would seem. I get now why Janet was cool as a cucumber and refused to engage any more than was mandatory when I got back. I am SUCH an asshole. Before I even have time to consider my actions my metal trash bin is bouncing off the opposite wall and the mug that was on my desk is across the room in pieces. I take a calming breath before I can do any more damage and sink back into my chair heavily.

Fuck O'Neill, what the hell is wrong with you? It was a long time ago now, but still...I have some definite groveling to do when I get back to Sam's. On that note I pick the letter up and begin reading again.

 _That was when it finally hit me that it wasn't just you. She had REAL feelings for you too. It took me quite a while to see things clearly after that. The next time I saw the two of you together I paid attention. And I noticed something completely unexpected. You clearly had feelings for her and yet you never ONCE acted unprofessionally towards her. Getting to know you over the last few years I've come to realize that yes, you have unprofessional feelings for my daughter, and yes it could endanger her career but I also got to see the way she looks at you when you're not looking. The way she smiles at your jokes. The way she lights up when you come in the room._

 _Jack, if there is one thing I have learned over the years, and after losing Sam's mom, it's that that kind of love doesn't come along all that often. And that service and country isn't a good enough reason to ignore something so fundamentally important. The reason we all fight tooth and nail just to exist in this godforsaken universe. Do I think you deserve my daughter? HELL no. But I also don't think she will find another man that will risk everything for her without question or hesitation. Who will love her so deeply that he is willing to ignore it completely for the sake of what SHE wants._

 _The point Jack, is that it took me a while to really see you for who you are, and for the integral role you will ALWAYS play in my daughter's life. As soon as I did though, I came up with a plan. And that is where the attached black box comes in. It belonged to Sam's mom. I would like you to give it to her. I know this is probably a lot to take in, and you've got some serious decisions to make. There's a reason I've let you get away with calling me 'dad' Jack, it just took me a while to see it._

 _While I'm sure there is nothing I could do to you that could be any worse than what you would do to yourself if you hurt my little girl, know that if you break her heart Jack, I WILL end you._

 _Good luck son._

 _Jake-_

I reread the letter twice, just to be absolutely sure I haven't gone completely mad. And yep, Jake just gave me his blessing. Hell, he gave me his ring for christ sakes. I'm glad I'm alone in my office and that I'm at an angle to the security camera, because as much as I will so _never_ admit this to anyone, the old man made me tear up. Seriously, do I get to keep any dignity?

I flip open the box and stare for a couple minutes. It's beautiful. Simple and elegant. Instead of a diamond it's a blue topaz, inlaid. Pretty damn near what I would have picked myself. I'm pretty sure Colonel's in the United States Air Force are NOT supposed to have panic attacks, but I am closer than I've been since my first deployment. As much as I'm really not sure how to approach Carter with this, I sure as hell can't sit still any longer.

As much as I would love to get out of here and head somewhere I can actually THINK,the last thing I need is a pissed off Jaffa on my ass. I find Teal'c in his quarters meditating in preparation for his mission with SG8. I don't know what to say so i just stand there while he sizes me up. He motions for me to sit. "Is something wrong O'Neill?"

I find I have to clear my throat before I can say anything, and even then no words will come. I finally give up and collapse onto the ground beside him. reach into my pocket and hand him the letter from Jacob. He studies me for another couple of seconds while he unfolds the letter. His eyebrow rises more and more the further he gets down the page. He looks at me once for half a second and then rereads the letter. When he's done he hands it back to me.

"It would appear Jacob Carter has bestowed upon you a great honour. I would have expected you would be overjoyed upon receiving such a blessing."

"Shit, Teal'c I am overjoyed. I'm also terrified of fucking it up again. You can't possibly think I'm good enough for her?"

"You and Major Carter have become family to me. Over the past several years I have felt great sorrow for the two of you. Watching the pain you have inflicted upon yourselves and each other for the sake of perceived 'propriety' caused Daniel Jackson and I to grieve greatly for you both. You both deserve a chance to find happiness amid all the pain and loss. Perhaps I perceive things differently but it is not a matter of you being 'good enough'. You both have a great many strengths and weaknesses. I believe together you will find balance in your personal lives the same way you always have while in battle."

"That easy?"

"I did not say it would be easy. You are both strong willed, independent warriors and you have much to work through, but I believe you are and have always been stronger together."

I'm dumbfounded at this point. I've never heard Teal'c use so many words at one time, let alone of a personal nature. I suppose I've never really been open to it though, and Teal'c has always been good at reading me, hell reading _everyone_. I'm also pretty sure I've never had anyone have such complete and utter faith in me. And while I still don't think I'm worthy of having Carter in my life, but despite that I'm definitely not strong enough to let her go. I'm also willing to work for it in a way I've never been before, including my twelve year marriage. Teal'c seems to be done talking and has returned to a deeper state of Kelnoreem. I move as quietly as I can out of his quarters and head back to the surface.

TBC...R&R if you're feelin it.


	10. Chapter 10

Thanks everyone for the awesome reviews. I know it's been a while since the last update. Real life seems to be busier than anticipated so thanks for your patience.

I swing by my office again on the way out to grab the stack of paperwork General Hammond gave me to go over with Carter and feel my heartbeat speed up at the mere sight of the red and white folder.

I realize as I'm leaving the mountain that I told Carter I'd be back in three hours, and it's been well over 4. I'm not really surprised once I get my phone out of my glove box that there are no new messages or missed calls. I might as well call her, I'd feel like a jackass if she was worried. I'm about ready to hang up when a distracted sounding Carter finally picks up.

"Yeah, Carter."

"Hey."

"Oh hey. Everything ok?" I can hear what sounds suspiciously like a torque wrench in the background before the sound of metal clanging against concrete.

"Yeah fine. I'm just late, thought I'd call and tell you I'm on my way." I can't help but chuckle, she clearly has no idea what time it is.

"Oh. Sorry. Totally got distracted. I'll see you in a few?"

"Sure. Just gonna run by my place for a few things first. I'll uh...I'll see you soon ok?"

"Oookay." I hear the question in her voice, that one small hesitation giving away much more than I intended. Sometimes the woman just knows me too damn well.

"Okay, later." I can't get off the phone fast enough. I'm already dreading the coming conversation, and I definitely don't want to start it over the phone.

I swing by my place to shower and change. I grab some boxes from my garage and some work gloves and packing tape in case she doesn't have some already. I shove the ring and letter in the deepest recess of my overnight bag. The red and white folder marked 'classified' I leave on the seat beside me.

I think about parking down the street from her place. While we may have the president's go ahead, it's not exactly official yet and this way it's a little _less_ likely someone will connect the dots. Then I figure if they're really trying we're screwed anyway. Hopefully this conversation won't end horribly and we'll be official sooner than later. The view when I make my way into Carter's garage is enough to make me forget what the hell I was worrying about in the first place.

Carter is hot no matter what she's wearing, but the sight before me...well let me just say if anybody else sees her like this I will have to kill them. She's currently on her back on a sliding board, checking the alignment on what I think is a harley flathead. Her bike is tucked away in the corner so either she got another one, or she's helping out someone else. She's wearing cutoff jean shorts and an old pair of combat boots, grease smeared across her pale skin. The shorts are clearly a little too big for her at the moment because with all her twisting and turning to get where she needs to be they've ridden down enough that there's a hint of red lace peeking out the top. She's so distracted she hasn't even noticed my approach yet, which means I can take my time absorbing the sight before me.

She's also wearing a worn out red cotton tank top that's ridden up above her belly button. I notice she's also replaced the silicone spacer that she wears off world in her bellybutton piercing for a silver girly dangly bit. She shifts to the side a bit and yep...she's also bra-less. Fuck me. If this weren't Carter...who is known for being completely oblivious to her hotness, I would think she's trying to kill me.

I decide I've stared long enough. The sooner she gets up the sooner I get to touch. I let out a low whistle of approval and she freezes for a moment before sliding forward on the mechanic board so she can get out from under the bike. She blushes and gives me her megawatt smile, holding her hands out and planting her feet so I can help her up.

I pull with a little more force than absolutely necessary and she crashes against my chest with a grunt. She slaps my chest playfully and then comes in for what I assume is meant to be a peck on the lips. I'm having none of that though. Before she has time to escape one of my hands is in her hair and the other slides into her back pocket to cup a cheek through her well loved denims.

I slant my mouth over hers and she let's out a squeak of surprise at my intensity. It only takes a moment or so for her to give in though, her tongue dueling with mine hotly while her hands begin to wander as well. One finger slides through a belt loop to tug me up against her further the other slides down to tangle with mine, and I can't help but think that her holding my hand while I'm kissing her like this is...well adorable.

The sound of a car driving by is enough to remind us of our surroundings and she pulls back and gives me a slightly silly grin. "I assume things went well?"

And suddenly I feel like I'm going to swallow my own tongue. I squeeze her fingers between mine in apprehension and take a deep breath. "Well it went. I don't know how you're going to feel about it...but it went." I can actually feel sweat beading on my temples...seriously have I reverted to high school?

"Can we take this inside? I just need to grab something from the truck." I back out of the garage quickly taking a moment to rest my forehead against the door before I swing it open muttering to myself to get it together. I grab the file from the passenger side and eye my overnight bag. It might be a little presumptuous but I'd rather have the letter and the ring handy in case things go better than expected and I don't have anywhere on me to stash it. I grab the bag and slam the door behind me heading back in through the garage to see her bending over the bike to pick up the wrench I heard fall earlier. I can't help the growl that escapes at the sight before me. "You trying to kill me Carter?"

"Huh?" She pops up, wrench in hand and stares at me blankly. She has no idea what I'm talking about.

"You are so oblivious. Have you looked in a mirror _ever_?" She blushes and gives me a look like she's uncomfortable and also a little like I'm insane.

"You wear this outfit a lot?" I step into her space, sliding a single finger tip up the outside of her thigh to tug on the edge of her tiny little shorts.

"Not really. Usually to work in the yard or on my bike when it's warm out." She looks so confused it's ridiculous, and I suddenly want to find every male she has ever been with and beat them within an inch of their lives, because this insecurity must come from somewhere.

"Good. Because it's really, and I mean REALLY hot. And I might have to kill anybody else that sees it. Can we go sit? We've got some things to discuss and I think we should do it sooner than later."

She eyes me suspiciously and then leads the way inside. She detours to the fridge to grab a couple of beers and then sets them on her kitchen table. "Sorry, this will have to do. Living rooms not really functional yet."

I just nod in response. I take a single sip of my beer and then start peeling the label. Carter clears her throat and reaches out to grab the file folder from me. I slam my palm down on it with more force than is necessary, pressing it into the table so she can't take it yet. I stare at her for a couple of seconds until I can see I'm starting to scare her a little.

"I just...I need you to know that this...I mean... I understand if it's not what you want. But I need you to understand that while the circumstances aren't ideal. It IS what I want. I don't want you to think it's just because of the circumstances. I want this." I point at the folder. "I have for a long time."

Then I flip the folder open and flip it around so its right side up in front of her. I have the urge to run while she's reading but I can't bring myself to miss her initial reaction. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment but I just can't help it.

She reads and then rereads, and then reads it again. Her hand starts to shake slightly but otherwise she hasn't let anything show. "I ask again? Are you trying to kill me here? Say something..."

She looks up at me and all the air leaves my lungs. I have definitely never seen her eyes that particular brilliant shade of blue. And then they are welling up and spilling over and I still don't know whether I'm supposed to comfort her or run like hell because she's yet to say anything, and I'm starting to really freak out here.

"Carter." I hope it comes across as exasperated as I feel.

"Are you? Did you? I never thought..."And then she reaches for me and I can breathe again because if nothing else it means she's not running away screaming.

She takes a deep breath and tries again, hands clutching both of mine, seemingly to stop me from bolting. Did I mention how creepily well this woman knows me? "I never once hoped that it would be this...the answer."

"Are you saying yes?"

"Are you actually asking?"

I pull my hands out from under hers and rummage around in the bag at my feet. When My hand clasps the velvet box I look up at her in wonder. Am I really doing this? We just about broke each other beyond repair and days later I'm asking her to marry me? We are seriously messed up.

I slide down onto my knees in front of her, I'd do the whole one knee thing, but even though the sarcophagus seems to have repaired most of the damage, it seems a little too much like tempting fate. I really should have thought this through a little better. Not that I'm really great at speeches mind you. I figure I'll just go with the truth.

"I don't want to live without you. I will literally do _anything_ for you. And I want all of you, in every aspect of my life. I know I'm not an easy person to be around, and that you could do sooo much better. And I feel like it's a lot to ask, especially so soon, but if I can have everything I want out of life, I have to be selfish enough to ask for it. Will you marry me?"

She leans in to kiss me thoroughly before responding. "Yes. We know each other better than most married couples ever will Jack. It may seem soon, but it's really not. And I want this too. Have wanted it for a long time. Do I get to see what's in the box?"

I gulp nervously again. Oh boy. She's either going to be happy or kill me. I pop the box open and pull the ring out sliding it onto her finger before she can get a good look at it. I don't know for sure that she will even recognize it, but Carter is nothing if not observant.

The sharp intake of breath is all that I need to know she knows what it is, and where it came from. "Jack?"

She stares at me in wonder for a second and then goes back to studying the ring on her finger, in a way that is eerily reminiscent of the hundreds of times I've watched her examine unexplained pieces of alien tech. "How did?" She stops abruptly and then turns to grab the abandoned piece of paper off the table. She stares for a minute, apparently just now seeing what I noticed immediately.

She continues to stare, and I squirm in discomfort. "I can get you your own...I just thought it was a pretty awesome gesture, and frankly after everything he's done I don't really want to upset the old man."

And that seems to do it. She lets out a huff of laughter and then places the piece of paper pack down on the table. "Hey I'm sure you gave yourself some time to get used to this whole thing before heading over here, don't forget you've got a couple of hours on me, it was just a surprise to suddenly get everything I ever wanted." Her hand comes up over her mouth as soon as the words escape, apparently having revealed a whole lot more than she intended with that one sentence.

And suddenly I find myself tearing up AGAIN. What the hell? I stand and pull her into my arms, holding on so tight I'm sure I must be restricting her breathing. Thing is I can't actually seem to convince myself to let up. "God. You are insane if this is everything you want, but it _is_ everything I want and I'm way too selfish to do what's best for you if it means letting you go again."

"Yeah, I'm not going anywhere if I can help it. More talking later flyboy...I believe we have some celebrating to do."


	11. Chapter 11

So I know it's been a while but here's the next chapter. Not as long as I would like but it's something, and the next chapter is half done so hopefully it won't be too long. Thank you again everyone for your support. All errors are my own as I have no beta. Enjoy and R&R is always welcome.

Celebrate we do. By the time we get around to discussing dinner it's 19:30 and we haven't even touched the living room. Luckily we have nowhere to be for a few days and Carter and I are terrible sleepers on a good day... byproduct of being career military, so we'll probably work on it well into the night. Assuming of course I can actually keep my hands to myself for the rest of the evening.

In fact I'm thinking we should probably go out for dinner if we have any hope of actually eating, let alone enough calories to get a certain tiny angry doctor off our backs. Plus I feel like I should make some attempt to at least take her out on a date before we make things official. We've never been very good at doing things the easy way, or the logical way for that matter. I know she probably doesn't care, but she deserves much better than a document signed behind closed doors and a roll in the hay. Also I'm fairly certain dad would kill me if I didn't at least try to give her more.

On that note, I neglected to mention that Jacob will be back in two days. A plan is slowly forming in my mind but...can you surprise someone with a wedding ceremony? Is that really weird? I would like to get the wedding rings myself, and luckily Bill Lee owes me a favour, because what I have in mind isn't really something you can get at your local jewelers. I make a mental note to get on that asap. I'll need to get her a dress too. Maybe Cassie and Janet can help with that. Hopefully Carter is ok with a small ceremony, because as much as I'm certainly not ashamed, I don't want to risk damaging her career any more than I've likely done already by getting the rumor mill going.

Carter seems to have dozed off again while I've been ruminating, so I lean forward and shake her shoulder gently. "Hey sleepy head, time for nourishment."

"Hmmm, can't we just stay here?"

"Not this time. I'm afraid Janet will kill me if I don't get a good chunk of calories into the both of us. I was thinking I could take you out. Maybe that fancy place Jonas was talking about the other day?"

"Okay. I definitely need a shower though." Always a soldier. Sleepy and groggy to sliding smoothly out of bed in the blink of an eye. I catch myself staring and let out a groan as I rip my gaze away from her six.

"You do that. I'm gonna not look so we can actually get out of here sometime this evening." I swing around the other side of the bed so I'm less tempted to follow her into the en suite. It doesn't last long because I can't help but turn to face her again when she lets out a bark of laughter.

"What?"

"I ah, seem to have left a few marks."

"Oh yeah, I learned that earlier when I went to see Janet. Not exactly subtle Cater. On the bright side, that's one less person you have to tell, though I imagine she'll be calling for details sooner than later." I stand and start hunting for my clothing. I think half of it is in the kitchen, and I brought a slightly nicer change of clothes I should probably dig out if this is going to be a 'date'.

Carter face drops a bit. "Maybe, maybe not...she's pretty pissed at me right now."

"Yeah, she's pretty pissed at both of us, not that I blame her." I slip out of the bedroom as she closes the bathroom door. I grab my overnight bag and decide I might as well have a shower too. Luckily she has multiple bathrooms because sharing will definitely end in us not leaving the house tonight. I eye myself in the mirror and decide I'm scruffier than I'm comfortable with. After a quick shower and shave, I change into a fitted pair of black jeans and a steel blue button up and I'm about ready to go. I'm just about to grab a glass out of the cupboard when Carter comes back into the kitchen with a nervous smile.

Good thing I hadn't grabbed for the glass yet because my motor functions seem to be compromised. I have no control over the path my eyes take either, slowly meandering from her black strappy heels, up her wonderfully toned legs, calves accented by the extra two inches. I can't help the silly grin when I realize her dress nearly matches the color of my shirt exactly. And then I realize that's probably exactly why I bought it. It's the exact colour Carter's eyes go when she is angry, or extremely passionate about whatever project she is working on. The hem is modest enough, resting a little lower than mid thigh. It's some kind of shiny satiny material and my fingers twitch at the thought of how her warm skin will feel beneath it. It has a slight flair past her hips, the bodice fitted and again pretty modest.

I finally make it to her face to find her biting her lip anxiously and blushing spectacularly at my perusal. "Blushing Carter, really? After what we just did, ALL day I may add?"

I step forward and trail one finger down her bare arm, afraid to touch the dress for fear that we will never make it out of here. "You look fantastic. We should go though, because my self control is a little limited right now."

She leans forward to kiss me once before stepping back out of reach. I can't help the low groan/growl that escapes. Evil woman. Then she turns around. "Jesus fucking christ."

The dress might be modest from the front but the back criss crosses all the way down to her tailbone, so that her back isn't entirely bare, but there is still enough skin showing to make my fists clench in an effort to stop myself from tracing the bare patches with my fingers. I find myself reminding myself that I am a seasoned, black ops trained soldier, and that I have resisted her for several years. Its enough to get me out the door.

I hear her snickering behind me. She will sooo pay for that later too. For now though I am determined to take her out on a real date. I know from Jonas' incessant blathering while in quarantine that the restaurant has a bar area with a dance floor. Maybe I can get Carter on the dance floor this evening. Which will be dangerous for me but so very worth it. She grabs a black shawl and clutch off the kitchen table on her way out. Which is probably better because those bare strips of skin are distracting and I would very much like to get there in one piece.

The restaurant is busy, but we only wait about 15 minutes to be seated. There are a few couple spinning around on the dance floor already, which is encouraging. While I'd like to get her out there, I don't want us to be a spectacle...God knows we'll have enough of that when our change in relationship status becomes official.

Our server delivers us to a booth in the corner, and I order us a merlot I know know Carter likes. "You gonna order for me too?" Her grin suggests she's not annoyed, just yanking my chain.

"Well I could if you want, I like to think I know what you like. I just thought you might find it a little chauvinistic though. Wouldn't want to scare you off on the first date or anything."

"Ha." The loud bark of laughter escapes seemingly without her permission because she promptly clamps her mouth shut and looks furtively at the tables around us. "First date huh? Thought we skipped that whole stage of things."

"You're not getting off that easy. God forbid dad find out I made no attempt at wooing."

She blushes slightly at that but lets it go, reaching into her tiny little wallet like clutch thing to retrieve some lip gloss. Oh that is just not fair. She of course is oblivious as she slides the little roller ball along her lips. I get a whiff of vanilla and find myself entranced with her newly shiny lips, wondering if they now taste like vanilla too.

She coughs and hands me a menu, presumably trying to get me to stop staring. "Vanilla eh?"

"Oh yeah. I know what you like too. As for the taste...well you'll just have to find out for yourself." Crap, said that out loud didn't I? She smiles evilly at me and starts looking through her menu.

Seriously, it's not like I didn't know Carter was evil, but I didn't quite know the extent to which she enjoys torturing me. I guess suddenly not having to follow my orders might have something to do with it.

When our server returns with the drinks, Carter turns the tables a bit and orders for both of us. Our server looks a little confused, but I personally like it when she takes charge so I'm not about to argue. That and she orders me a peppercorn steak, medium rare with a baked potato, so how could I possibly complain that she knows me so well. She orders us the a sample platter to start, because we never have been able to agree on appetizers. She orders herself the same steak but with the original side...some weird sweet potato thing she knew I would hate the sound and probably taste of.

"How do you know I wasn't going to order pasta?"

"Right. Jack O'Neill turn down a steak, that sounds perfectly reasonable." It strikes me that this may be the oddest start to a relationship ever. There is so much to learn, and yet so much we both already know. Which makes me both confident and terrified I will screw it all up.


End file.
